The Anger. The Resentment. The Regret. Can it really be removed? Or does it just sit below the surface always?

It’s rooted down deep. It’s like a weed. not that kind that also has healing benefits. the kind that roots down deep, and begins choking out all the other good plants. the ones you’ve selected and nurture, the ones that arrived out of nowhere, but are really nice and provide some sort of benefit.

This weed, it keeps growing. Keeps going deeper and deeper. I keep trying to pull it up, I dig up some of the roots. But it just keeps growing back. No matter what I do, it keeps coming back, killing off the good plants.

This weed is my shadow. It’s my fears. My anger. My discomfort. My depression. My anxiety.

The good plants are the things I love. My art. My business. The habits, and light that I’ve cultivated by doing the work.

Yet, I never seem to get all of the roots of my shadow out. I’m not sure if we’re even supposed to. But I do believe we’re meant to spend most of our time happy, grateful, seeing the light, and joy and feeling loved. Yet, with all these roots on this weed, that keeps coming back, I’m struggling to keep up with the good stuff. And business is amazing. I’m hitting goals left and right that I’ve never done before. Yet…. the high of a good day of business doesn’t last long. The excitement fades, and I’m left with an empty pit. The roots festering, plant growing back up to the surface. Nawing at my insides. The ache, the roots, they crave food, and running away, and crying alone, and regret. So much regret. They bask in the regret of choices I made when young. Choices that can’t be fully changed now. Choices that are difficult to even shift slightly.

The only work I can do is on myself. This is my journey. While I wish I could rip all the roots out and walk away, mic drop style, I know the process is more like just a little work each day until it doesn’t bother me as much that it’s there.

I’ll keep going. I’ll keep looking into my shadow. I’ll keep hitting and celebrating goals. I’ll keep asking for help when I need it.

I’m still here.